In this episode of Sequence over Strategy, Michelle challenges that mindset and shows why asking is actually key to building strong relationships.
Do you hesitate to ask for help because it feels selfish or awkward? In this episode of Sequence over Strategy, Michelle challenges that mindset and shows why asking is actually key to building strong relationships. Far from being a burden, a well-crafted ask strengthens trust and connection. Michelle introduces the "ask continuum" to help you avoid the traps of asking for too much or nothing at all. She also breaks down five practical ways to make your asks clear, realistic, and meaningful. By getting comfortable with asking, you’ll not only get what you need but also deepen your relationships along the way.
Check out the full episode at TheMichelleWarner.com
Hi, I'm Michelle Warner and I'm a business designer and strategist. In the 15 years I've done this work, I've noticed the same trend everywhere. Business owners are falling into the trap of centering strategies first, and what they need to be centering is sequence, because the reality is the steps you take in your business and the order in which you take them is more important than how well you implement any single strategy.
So on this show, my goal is to fix that by helping you find and trust your own sequence of actions rather than blindly following someone else's strategy. Welcome to Sequence Over Strategy. In every episode of this show, I answer a real question from a real entrepreneur struggling with a real challenge in their business.
And today, I'm pulling a question from something I hear all the time from the students in my Networking That Pays course, and really from anyone who knows they need to build relationships to grow their business, but they still feel a little awkward pulling off one key phase of that relationship building. Because yep, you guessed it. Today, we're talking about the art of the ask.
We're talking about why you need to learn how to ask, why not asking not only crashes your ability to move your business forward, but it also makes it incredibly difficult to sustain relationships. And most importantly, we're going to get into what an ask really is. Because an ask is not just about asking for a client referral or some of those asks that maybe feel really scary and uncomfortable.
When you get into the sequence of an ask within relationship building, you'll see that an ask is so much more. And before we do that, we're going to break down the psychology of asking and why you can't skip it if you want to build healthy, sustaining business relationships, or any relationships for that matter. So let's get started with two relatable stories.
Growing up, and I'm talking about when I was very little, my grandmother would sometimes send me next door to borrow basic cooking ingredients from her neighbor or from ours, depending on where we were. That really made no sense to me at the time, mostly because we had stocked pantries, but there's a chance this is a familiar story to some of you. And she would send me over, and when she did, she would tell me that it was important for us to ask so that the neighbors would be comfortable asking if they ever needed anything.
And the reason I said this might sound familiar to some of you is that as I grew older, I learned that this was somewhat typical behavior for folks who were alive during the Depression, who grew up during the Depression, or at least typical for where my grandmother grew up. They shared during those times, and they took care of each other. So it made sense why she did that, but it didn't really sink in how fundamental this was to relationship building until something happened to me a few years ago.
And it's funny because this didn't solidify in my bones, like I said, until a few years ago, and that was well after I'd studied all the research I'm going to share with you later. But I guess sometimes you have to experience this stuff in stark reality for it to really, really sink in. And here's what happened.
Some of you know, because I share stories about it all the time, that I bought a house a few years ago, and I am so, so lucky because my next-door neighbors, they are amazing. They're kind, and they're generous, and they're fun, and they're exactly who you would want to have as neighbors.
They also have a really busy family life, and sometimes they can use a hand, and they're not afraid to ask me for small favors.
Everybody in that house works during the day. They're out of the house. I work from home, so they'll ask me to grab a package that's arriving and maybe is a little bit expensive, and they don't want it sitting on their porch all day, so they'll ask me to grab it for them, maybe feed the cats, whatever.
I'm happy to help with these little favors as they come up. I also happen to be a pretty self-contained unit, so I haven't asked them for much. And one day I realized that was a really big mistake because my neighbor came over so apologetically.
She really needed my help with something, but she felt awful because, and I quote, ‘’they never have a chance to help me’’. And my heart sank because I realized that, number one, they were starting to think I didn't like them, even though I thought of them as the best neighbors I could have. They were wondering if I thought they were annoyances.
And two, like, I genuinely want to be a good neighbor, and I want to help them. But what hadn't I done? I hadn't asked for help, and that made them hesitant to ask for what they needed, which hurt our relationship.
And so you can rewind real fast to my grandmother's lesson and why sometimes she'd send us out to ask for help when we didn't really need it. She knew it built and maintained those crucial community bonds. She knew it kept the lines open.
And I think that's why she always sent us for little household goods that were not really a big deal.
But because, you know, she learned that during the Depression era, it was this habit that happened in her neighborhood where you made sure to ask the neighbors for little bits of spices or little bits of cooking ingredients so that if they were in need, if they were really missing something, they would not be scared to ask you for that help. And by the way, it turns out that all this is actually backed by research.
It's something that, as far as I can tell, the first happening that this was actually in print was during Ben Franklin's life. During Benjamin Franklin's life, he wrote this in his autobiography. And so it's become something known as the Benjamin Franklin effect.
And that is, and what he said was that when you ask someone for a favor, they may feel flattered and like you more in return. Dale Carnegie, in his very famous book of How to Win Friends and Influence People, revisited this concept. And he always talked about the favor as a subtle but effective form of flattery.
And so you start to see research, and by the way, all this research has now been put through actual psychological research in the 60s and 70s and beyond where they are showing this effect.
When you ask for a favor, when you receive help from someone, that person ends up liking you more. They're flattered that you asked them.
It solidifies a relationship. And here are two additional examples where we see this play out all the time, maybe in real life that you can relate to. One is a human example. One is from our relationships with animals. So I'm going to throw both of these out there and see if maybe you can relate.
The first one is maybe think about a toddler in your life, and with the holidays coming up, you can think about a toddler maybe in a busy kitchen wanting to help with the hustle of everybody getting a meal ready. What might you ask that toddler to do? You might ask the toddler to move a plate that can't be broken from one place to another, right? Or move a sippy cup. Move something really low risk that you don't actually really need help with, but you give the toddler a job. And they move that thing, and they complete that job. And then what happens?
They are beaming with pride. And they are so excited that they have completed this job for you, and they're so proud, and they want to bond with you over that, right? It's a relationship builder to give a toddler a little bit of a chore.
I mean, now that changes by the time they're teenagers, but in that moment when they're toddlers, we can see that pure moment. We can see this pure effect. You give a toddler a little job when they're anxious and wanting to help. It really builds a bond.
Now, the other example I always think of when I think of this because I'm a dog person is a relationship with your dog and how the same thing happens. When you are training a dog, how do you really solidify a relationship?Ho w do you build a relationship with a new dog? You train them. You give them jobs. And when they complete those jobs, you praise them, and it's a big party. And what happens then? The trust builds. That's how you build trust with a dog is that you give them a job. You ask them for a favor, right? You ask them to do something. They complete it. You praise them. That builds trust, and that builds a relationship.
And those may seem like silly examples, but it's actually exactly what I'm sharing. Once we're grown adults, it can feel awkward to think about these things in real life, but if you break it down to those really early relationships and really simple relationships, you can see how asking a toddler, asking a dog, asking someone to do something for you, it builds trust, and it builds a relationship.
So what's the takeaway there?
Asking for appropriate things builds relationships. And, you know, again, you can ask my neighbors. Not asking for appropriate things can destroy them and do real harm.
And I'm going to repeat that because this is so important for everybody who gets a little awkward, and I'm raising my hand here because that's me too. And you feel a little awkward about, oh my gosh, who am I to ask for something? Remember that asking for appropriate things, and I put the emphasis on appropriate for a reason, and we'll talk about what appropriate is in a minute, but asking for appropriate things builds relationships, solidifies trust, solidifies a bond, and possibly even more importantly, not asking for appropriate things can destroy relationships or can cause them to never even flourish, never even form in the first place. And so when we are looking to build relationships, asking is a really critical piece of it, whereas sometimes I think we try to avoid the asking because we think it's going to get awkward, and it's the opposite. Knowing how to ask well is going to build relationships for you.
So what does this mean for you and for building business relationships and for everything that we talk about in and around networking that pays and everything I talk about when I'm talking about the fact that your business is the average of your network? It means, friends, that you need to learn how to ask. This needs to be in your arsenal of tools.
You need to be able to understand how to use the ask to build a relationship because here's how many of us, and again, myself included, I'm raising my hand here, here's where we default when it comes to asking for things in our business. One of two things is going to happen. We either don't ask or we ask for too much.
Here's a classic example. Think about all those connection calls that you jump on. At the end, what happens? One of you inevitably says, how can I support you? How can I help you going forward? And I am going to guess that the majority of the time, everybody listening, and again, I have been guilty of this in the past as well, you're going to reply to that in one of three ways. You are going to say, oh, I'm good, but thank you so much for thinking of me. If something ever comes up, I'll let you know, right? So you're basically going to say, I don't need anything.
Second, you're going to get a little awkward and you're going to propose some kind of vague cooperation. You know, both of you are never going to follow through on, like setting up some sort of two-way client referral system. Or third, one of you is going to ask directly if the other knows anyone who immediately needs services.
Can you refer me to a client? And all three of those scenarios, my friends, are jumping from one extreme to another. Okay, you know I love a continuum. You've probably heard me talk about the relationship versus traffic marketing continuum. I use a lot of different continuums when I'm trying to illustrate things in the business. So we could use this again for our asks.
Let's picture the world of possible asks that live on a continuum, just a straight line, right? And on one extreme of that is the ask for nothing. And on the other is the one where you're asking for the world. And as we have now seen, both of those extremes are what I'm going to dramatically call relationship killers. And the reason then that it happens is because that ask feels like a huge burden. That's the reason you go to one of the two extremes.It feels like the thing people don't want to hear, right? When you think of asking somebody for something, especially a favor for your business, you automatically assume that it's going to be a burden on the other person and that they're not going to want to hear about it. But now I've just described to you in real life examples and in research that they do want to hear it.
They do want to help you. So job number one on your plate, if you are someone who is afraid to ask anything, is to flip your mindset and remember that the ask is the most important part. The ask is not a burden.
The ask is the most important part of building relationships. But, and here's the mindset flip, it's not the most important part because it gets you something. And by the way, this is the kind of thinking that leads you to not like asking because it feels icky and selfish.
But the reason the asking is the most important part is because it's actually the thing that builds relationships. And if you are a person who values relationships, which I know most of you are because you tell me you are and you act that way and I believe you, then you need to figure out this ask because the ask is the single most important thing that builds those things. So again, we need to flip our mindset.
A lot of us are thinking that the ask is the awkward thing that gets in the way and that is a burden to people. I am telling you that the ask is actually the thing that builds the relationship. And so when you ask somebody for something, especially when it's appropriate, which again, we're going to go through what that looks like in a minute.When you ask for something, you are not being selfish. You are actually prioritizing the relationship because you know that asking for appropriate things builds trust and it builds a bond.
So that's job number one on your plate is to embrace that mindset that you are a person who values relationships and therefore, you are going to learn the art of the ask because you understand it builds bonds.
Job number two in the sequence, right? Sequence over strategy here. We are going in order.
After you have flipped your mindset, job number two is to understand that the asks exist on this continuum from no ask to the other extreme of asking for $100 million or some other kind of completely inappropriate ask that is impossible to fulfill. So if we think about the continuum of asks, one end is asking for absolutely nothing and the other extreme is asking for something that's impossible to fulfill. And so once you understand that there's a whole continuum of those things and that the things we typically default to are the two extremes, then we can get to job number three which is identifying and using asks that lie between those two extremes and using them often.
I talk about this all the time on Networking That Pays calls and when I'm working with clients one-on-one on their relationship marketing skills. We talk about finding appropriate small asks to build those relationships. And these small asks, these asks that lie somewhere on that continuum between those two extremes, those are your bread and butter because they allow you to build up that favor bank.
Again, not because you're selfish but because it builds and solidifies the relationship. And I'm going to repeat that again because I cannot repeat it enough. Favors and asking things are relationship builders.
They build trust, they build bonds, they build relationships. And so if you are somebody who values relationships, you need to value asking people for things. If not, you become like me with my neighbors.
I say I value relationships, I say they're the best neighbors I could possibly dream of and they were about to write me off because I never asked them for something and it made it so awkward for them. So take that as a very real-life lesson that it is a very real thing that people are going to notice if you're not asking for things. They're going to notice if you're not allowing them to help you.
But again, we have this boogeyman in the room where it has to be an appropriate ask because if you're asking for too much, that's a burden and then it gets to be too much. So what are some examples of small asks in the small business world? Well, I have five categories or five different ways that I can define a small ask.
And by the way, there's no exact definition here. This is just what I have learned over 15 years of using this stuff for both myself and for my clients is I look for asks that fall into one of these five categories. So let's run through those and you can start thinking about asks that fit in here and we'll give you some examples.
Number one is I want you to ask for something that is specific. It is kind to make sure the person knows what their assignment is. And here we can go back to the baking ingredients example.We want to ask something like, may I borrow one cup of sugar? Not may I borrow a few of the things I'm going to need to make a pumpkin pie. That might sound silly in this context and we'll talk about relating it to business in a second.
But think about those asks and the specificity there and the burden you are putting on the other person, right? If you ask for a cup of sugar, they know immediately how to fulfill that and are happy to do so. If you ask for a few of the things I'm going to need to make a pumpkin pie, they are left guessing which of the few things do you need on an ingredient list?
Which one should I give you? What recipe are you using? Gosh, do I have to go look up the recipe?
It becomes a burden. It is hard to help in that case. So that lack of specificity, you're putting the other person in a bad situation.
And so in business terms, you know, you might get an ask that says something like, hey, can you help me promote this? And then as the person receiving that, you're left to figure out who and why and how and what are you going to do with this thing that, you know, you want to help these people, but what do you mean? How can I help you promote this?
Give me some specifics. Tell me what. So a specific ask might be, would you mind sharing this in your newsletter that goes out the week of, you know, November 11th?
That direction somebody can follow. That second example is a specific ask. You don't want to just give out the generic, hey, can you help me promote this?
Too many questions the person has to fill in. Giving them a specific direction helps them help you.
So number one is specific.
Number two, you want it to be easy to fulfill. And in many ways, this goes along with the specific.
We're being specific because we want it to be easy, but we also want to ask people for things that are easily done because this, number one, shows that you know them and you've bothered to think of their experience and make sure that you are centering them and honoring how they're going to help you.
And number two, just in logistics terms, it greatly increases your chance of them following up, right? So think of something that's easy to fulfill. And again, this is going to sound specific too.
It can say something like, hey, I know you're closely connected to this person. Would you mind introducing us? I'm happy to send you a brief overview of why and how to describe what I'm looking for to make it easy on you.
That is an easy to fulfill ask. You're telling them the name of a specific person that you know they know well and asking for that introduction to be made. And not only that, you're offering to send some of the material so that they can do it quickly.
A not easy to fulfill request would be, I'm looking for someone who might know some engineers.
Any chance you could help me out? Okay, now as the person receiving that request, they have to go figure out, do they know anyone who knows engineers? What type of engineers are you talking about? Why do you want to know them? How are they supposed to introduce you?
There's a whole list of questions that come up. So you want to make it easy to fulfill. Number three, you want it to be realistic, right?
Our stock answer a lot of times when someone asks, how can I help? Is you like to say, if you know anyone who could use my services, please send them my way. This is a terrible ask to make.
And it's a terrible ask because it can be a relationship killer. Because as I've shown you, people want to help. And this request is actually incredibly difficult to fulfill, even if they want to. Because the odds that somebody knows someone in that moment in time are very low. I'll be honest, people ask me this often. And let me tell you, probably because I'm a people pleaser and I really value relationships, when someone asks me if I happen to have a referral for them, I'm prone to ghosting them.
And the reason I do that is not because I'm mad at them, but because I feel so bad that I don't have somebody to send them. So I feel like I'm letting them down and therefore I disappear because I don't want to feel that way. It's nothing against them personally.
It's my own shame at not being able to help. And again, it's the same reaction as my neighbors have in me not asking them for anything. You don't want to put people in that situation.
Ask for something realistic. You also want to ask for something that's appropriate in scope. This is another pet peeve of mine. It is frankly so lazy to ask someone to pick their brain for 30 minutes. If you make that request, you know, I'm left thinking, why? About what?
Instead, pick out something very specific you'd like them to react to and ask for their opinion. Don't ask them to read an entire sales page and send any feedback they might have. That's really frustrating. It takes a long time. You don't know what the person is specifically worried about with the sales page. You may not have enough context to really provide feedback. That is a frustrating ask. But what you can do is ask someone for feedback on the headline or the pricing.
Pick one element on that sales page and say, hey, can you take a look at this and let me know what you think? Same way, don't ask them to review an entire strategic plan or entire launch plan. Show one piece of it and ask, are there any red flags that you see that I'm missing or is there something that I'm failing to take into consideration? Those are things that people can review in five, 10 minutes and provide feedback on and they'll be happy to do so.
That doesn't feel like a burden. It feels like a real burden to be asked, can I have 30 minutes of your time and you don't know what it's about and now you have to get on Zoom. Those are burdens, right?
But when you ask me for one specific piece of feedback on one specific piece of a plan, that I can provide. And then the fifth condition is that it adds value or is fun for them. Again, we talk about this in networking that pays and in my relationship funnel boot camps all the time is if you can develop a project that involves other people, you can do that and then you can ask people who will find value in participating to take part. And what a fun ask that is.
You know, if you have a podcast that has guests on it, you can ask people to be a guest and that actually builds a relationship. If you have promotions going on, if you are doing blog posts, if you are doing any kind of interviewing, maybe you want to write a white paper.
All of those things you can ask people to participate in, people who would find value in doing so, and that is going to build the relationship. So those are the five conditions. I'm going to repeat them to you again where we want to look for small asks.
We want to look for specific things, things that are easy to fulfill, things that are realistic, things that are appropriate in scope, and things that add value or have fun for the person who you're asking to participate.
So again, let's sum all of this up. As small business owners, our typical instincts are to not ask for anything.
And it feels like not asking for things is like some sort of moral high ground or even some kind of humility to be applauded, and that asking for something is being burdensome. But this inability to ask is missing a fundamental understanding of relationship science and the fact that asking is at the heart of building relationships. It is not this annoying fly to be swatted away, right?
It is not a burden that you are placing on your relationships. It is actually a thing that builds your relationships. But if you're not doing it right, then you better believe it's a burden that you put on relationships.
So you want to remember that asking builds relationships and not asking destroys them. And yes, I'm being dramatic about that because I want you to remember it. But within that, there's context, there's sequence, right?
If asking builds relationships and not asking destroys them, what's the gray area you need to keep in mind? You need to keep in mind that there's an art to asking. There's an art to finding those appropriate asks, to finding the middle ground small asks.
And to do that, remember those elements that define good asks. I'm going to repeat them for you again. They are specific.They are easy to fulfill, right? There is a reason my grandmother sent me next door for sugar and not for something like balsamic vinegar. Everybody has sugar. So they're easy to fulfill. They are realistic. They are appropriate in scope. And they add value and are fun.
Now, to be clear, every ask doesn't need to include each of those five elements. That would be impossible. But every ask does need to include at least one of those elements. And when you're keeping those elements in mind, you are much less likely to hit our extremes of either not asking or asking for something that's inappropriate. You're going to find an easy ask somewhere in the middle that is going to be relationship building.
So with that, I'm going to send you out in the world to start testing your asks. And I'm going to do so with a specific and appropriately in scope ask that I have for you. If you know anyone who would benefit from hearing this episode, would you please share it with them?
I would be so grateful if you did, because listen, I am out here on a mission to help people understand the power and the importance of appropriate asks in building their relationships. And with that, I'm going to see you back here in two weeks. And between now and then, you can always find me at themichellewarner.com.
And I look forward to keeping the conversation going.